on sweetest day she brought me a gift card for a very expensive jewerly store and told me we were going to go pick out our engagement rings.
i was so happy but so scared that I blocked it out. forgot about it. I ran away, I pushed, I shoved.. and I fucked up.
and now I ruined my whole future with a girl who loved me more than anything in this world. who was good and ready to buy me a ring and claim me forever.
i know this is all my fault..
but she finally admitted to cuddling; holding hands; kissing the girl she claimed had nothing with our whole relationship. and that hurt me. so badly that i couldnt breathe. i can’t blame my fuck up on that though… but I was hurt. i’ve been hurting by this same sitution for the whole time period that I’ve known this girl. it was always a constant battle… and after finally maybe believing the fact that I was just over thinking and that they were just friends this whole time; me bringing it up just one last time.. and the truth came out. i knew i wasn’t crazy. i could sense it this whole time but i could never grow balls to actually full out say.. then she says to me you promised me you’d never make me choose. THIS WAS BEFORE YOU ADMITTED TO DOING SHIT WITH THE GIRL I’VE NEVER FELT BETTER THEN! THE GIRL YOU SAT AND LOOKED ME DEAD SET IN THE EYES AND TOLD ME I WILL NEVER BEAT HER. that memory has been locked in my head the past almost 6 months.. and cutting me like a knife never bringing it up. but she told me she’d stop talking to her… that she’d do anything to be with me. that her future was me and her and our family.
then the next day i fuck up. i don’t know what to think of it as but i haven’t hated something this much in so long.. and the thing i hate is myself. how could i have been so fucking stupid when I knew… I knew I had someone who wanted to fucking have a future with me. whom we picked out funiture for our future apartment. whom i planned starting a family with. whom my daughter loves. who was going to get matching tattoos with me. WHO BASICALLY HAD A CARD IN HER HAND WITH MY RING FUCKING BEHIND IT… our future.
i fucked up so badly. ive been crying all day. I just got back from driving around for three hours talking with Sarah. she asked me if I really loved Jayetta… I said yes.. more than anything and she loves me too.. more than anything. She said, Jenni.. then maybe it’s not over. I want to keep telling myself its not over. its never over. when I close my eyes and think thirty years ahead of me I look over and see her next to me. It can’t be over… but if it is over it’s all my fault. or is it? can it somehow be her fault to for lying to me all this time about Sony? no. i can’t blame my mistakes on her. she hurt me. but i hurt her. thats not how it should be… two wrongs don’t make a right and I knew this. the whole time she was in my mind.. how could i have been so fucking stupid? I don’t deserve forgiveness. I really can’t blame her if she truly never does speak to me again.. but I dont know what I’ll do to myself if we really are truly over. I don’t think i’ve loved anyone this much in my whole entire life.. not even Jess or _ _ _ _. I’m so sorry. I’m hanging by a thread of hope here… I’m not leaving my house until I fix this. until I get my husband back.
”You’re my wife.. and you did this to me. You couldn’t have hurt me more. I’ve never been this hurt in whole entire life, not even with Tara. Congratulations Jennifer, you broke my heart”
Let me fix it. please… please.. don’t leave me.
I love you Jayetta Elizabeth Bourin.. even though you’ll never see this.
You said to me before our last kiss.. ”I feel like this is the last time I’m ever going to see you” and I said you were crazy, I’d see you tomorrow. and we kissed.
now I don’t know when or if I’ll ever see you again. I’m so broken. all I want right now is to be in your arms and all I can do is lay here in the mess I made.
